kickstart_my~heart

Hi..

I’m a 21 year old rich, virgin*(circumstantially and for my own reasons), spiritual, attractive (in the sense that I am neither an ogre nor make up laden), emotionally mature mixed asian girl. 

(* complete virgin - have never even kissed a guy, but not frigid. i realise how oxymoronic this might sound, but please bear with me)

I don’t know where to even begin with dating. 

I don’t like bars.. I prefer live music lounges (I sing and play instruments). I wish I could have one night stands whenever I want but it’s hard to do that with a man I don’t personally know/trust. Or one who is in some kind of stupor even if he is attractive. Basically, the dynamic would have to be akin to that of Walter & Isabel’s relationship from the tv series ‘Finder’. I’m emotionally mature/seem older because I’ve been the ‘counsellor’ for my irl female friends, online male friends and even parents’ relationship problems. 

I used to semi-fantasise about dating older men but I’ve realised that older =/= emotionally mature… I have come across insecure, predatory, stuck in an-era, man-childlike older men in my time. Not a pretty sight. 

I wish I could be all playful, vapid and barbie like like the other girls from my socioeconomic background/society at home, but I’ve experienced ‘life’ in a deeply introspective, ‘real’ way and I suppose it’s not in my personality to pretend otherwise. I mean, I could but what then after snatching a man who was attracted to a projected illusory thing? It wouldn’t be fair to him I think. And I’d have to continue playing that role.. it becomes like an audition-reel than a true relationship. And will get very confusing. 

I’m not looking to marry I think. I used to want to. But I’ve seen so much of people’s nature to pine for that which is susceptible to so much flaws. I’m an undegraduate law student with an interest in anthropology.. I’ve read some on comparative history of marriage across cultures.. sociology of marriage.. courtship in different eras.. I used to spend my free time moderating a chat forum whereby I got to see all kinds of people.. I’ve made acquaintances with those from polyamorous circles.. I’ve come across  men with pee fetish ..husbands who cyber when life gets stressful & /wives are too loaded with housework, men who enjoy scat, men who admit to crushing on their daughter’s best friend, men who go for the same sort of cheating wicca girl, men who are in denial about their sexuality, men who are porn addicts… all sorts of things.. . I’ve also read and thought about relationship economics as if my life depended on it lol.

I used to be closer friends with 3 different types of girls: 1 who is a slash fiction reading asexual, another who used bdsm with a married man as an outlet for life’s stress and another who managed to snatch a good looking (think: Barbie’s Ken) US naval academy guy for a while before he cheated on her. i managed to discern that she did not enjoy sex at all (not sure if it’s just with him or in general) and that she was mainly thinking of securing a future with this man (for financial reasons..fatherless upbringing may have played a part in her choice of men.. or maybe just her looks and how she carries herself, lol).

my mother came from a culturally religious background.. she was an obedient, dutiful, praise-craving child who had a successful career in modelling in the 80s.. and my dad.. well, he says one thing and thinks another.. i don’t know. he is a ceo of a shipping services & etc company and an ex member of parliament. 

basically i know and have seen more pertaining to relationships and sex (even if by proxy) than either of them..

i come from a society that is very image and status bound. my ex schoolmates are out with some really rich men.. living the life. their facebooks show travels in foreign countries, time spent in A list clubs, designer clothes, PR type shots, being in the same room as P. Diddy.. etc. I’m rich too (old rich?! with a dose of reality thrown in? lol) but.. if there was supposed to be a rite of passage to get to the aformentioned ‘wonderland’, I must have missed the bus completely and detoured somewhere else on foot instead lol.

I go to a university in the city.. it’s mainly a commuter school with people from cultural and socioeconomic levels different to mine (not that I actively screen people this way, I don’t .. it’s just that I get asked a couple of times what I am doing in that school lol- it’s mainly because of personal circumstance and the fact that I’m going a different road from that my friends’).. I had few men asking for my number and semi-stalking me in university corridors… I didn’t know what to make of these situations. because in general I am friendly, curious about people’s backgrounds and a good conversationalist. These men (and potential others) come from a very different world to mine and on the outside I just look like a friendly, mild mannered, attractive, non-boisterous 21 year old. but inside I am really.. well, let’s just say I am disingenuous with reason. Before that I spent a year doing a different course in a more artsy-nyu type university. 

Also, I never got the big deal about people having my number until recently.  Call it weird development or sheer naivety on my part.. lol. I also remember being sort of cornered and interrogated by this guy about my schedule just after a moment of brief, polite, witty exchange while waiting for the computer room to be free at uni. I narrated the whole thing to a friend afterwards, who told me that his failed line about my country (he basically got the whole thing wrong.. I corrected him politely with a smile) was his way of flirting (I was thinking.. ‘why flirt about something you don’t know about?’ lol).

I am usually polite and I don’t dress flashily as I come from an asian, socially-stratified LA-ish city, where when we do go out we do so in full (think: dress codes, networking events/fine dining/weddings, photographers, tatler..).. so here I dress casual-smart (sometimes I even pair my brother’s sweater with whatever works with it.. I dont necessarily dress to attract a ‘mate’ lol. but i’m not tardy).. I don’t carry around labels the way my friends do (though I do have them as my mum used to be a model).

I don’t like the young men from my society because they are too much the embodiment of socioeconomic traits I abhor.  Arrogance, man-childness, philistinic, ‘high-life’, ‘fine-dining’, vanity, flashy, DJ tiesto fuelled angst.. etc

the alternative’s usually precocious, religious, family planner, traditionalist guy

or  

drifter- ‘heir to father’s company’ seeking childlike, promiscuous|virgin, designer label wearing, money & lifestyle obsessed, high-flyer ‘ready for marriage’ girls, usually from the same asian ethnic group

I’ve known some other types too but they’re not as much exposed or dont really care much about subcultures other than theirs. I can somewhat fit in and mirror just about anyone.. but.. it would be nice not to have to do that with a significant other someday. 

I just feel like I ought to be 40 or something because at 21 I feel pretty hopeless lol.. I aim to be a career woman because I’d like to have my own earnings and be independent. I also truly like learning.. 

I’m not one of those people who are in uni just to get a job. 

Neither am I contemplating a life as a closeted academic of any sort

Neither am I easily attracted to/excited about something ‘niche’ and ‘revolutionary’ just because they are.. niche and seemingly revolutionary..

Neither am I easily impressed/activist like about ‘UN’/’animal welfare’/’feminism’..  whatever. I’m more interested in the history and anthropology/comparative study of ideology, documentaries (though I’ve not seen as much of them as I ought to), music performance, symbolic anthropology

appropriate technology. public health.

opinion pieces. journalism. 

i used to have writing anxiety.  i have periods of serious depressive bouts. things have been hard for me emotionally for some time. I’m at point in my life where walls are rapidly closing in and it’s up to me to jump as high as I can in time/claw my way out .. let’s hope I’ll make it. 

(I used to be into relationship economics, existentialism -urgh lol, media theory, retro films, avant-garde jazz [or whatever of it managed to listen to], old school hiphop.. etcc)

Hopefully one day I’ll be able to somehow contribute careerwise in either/all of the following fields: financial restructuring, private equity law, competition law, antitrust law, bankruptcy law, insolvency law. Work experience/internship wise however I think areas like divorce/family law, tort law and medical/pharmaceutical law seem more suitable. 

consulting also seems nice and interesting. something I can see myself doing.

I am also thinking of learning more about business strategy and innovation..   completing my previously abandoned french proficiency qualification

tvwise these days I mostly watch  breaking bad, the finder, bones, bbc parliament, 4od documentaries..

I enjoy podcasts a lot. about anything.. lol. I used to enjoy late night radio shows when I was at school in Brighton. They’d have people call in about relationship problems lol. there was also this female host from classical fm who had a nice voice.. lol. 

I’ve also had a rough road at school due to personal and family circumstance so it’s unlikely that I’ll turn out like those ‘i’m independent, why can’t I get a man!’ type of women I’ve seen get written about. I don’t think I’d ever be qualified to be a trope statistic for that, lol.

I don’t know anymore what kind of purpose dating will/ought to have in my life.. I’m completely lost on this front. Like most people, I do have sexual desires (I used to think I was asexual.. but I realise I am not), it’s just that I can’t or don’t act solely on the basis of that. *Forgot to mention that I used to go an all girls school for 5 years. 

I’m really not an ‘in the moment’ type of person. I can be, but I see relationships as something more serious and deserving of actual mindful intentions than something to get lost in/pass the time. Like everyone I do have times when I feel very lonely. But I can’t bring myself to latch on to anyone on the basis of that.. there’s also really no one suitable lol. It’s also just impossible to be with someone who does not know or want to care about the world I come from. I may not adhere to my society the way most of my acquaintances and peers do, but it is a part of my upbringing nonetheless. I don’t outrightly reject it as much as I exist on its periphery. Most of my friends are scattered all over the globe.. I have moved schools-preuni a total of 5-6 times.. I don’t have a bunch of cohorts I hang around with, mainly because I’d end up taking the counsellor/listening-ear role. It’s either that or truly be myself which can overwhelm others a fair bit. 

I do feel and sometimes sound much older than I ought to because I moved abroad for school at a young age (12) and have gone through a lot of emotional things in life.. there are all sorts of  inter-rivalries and fragmentation within my family.

And knowing however much I do know about men and women, (-not to be all heteronormative but society is still mostly heteronormative and I don’t think I’m ‘game’ for polyamory) I’m not sure how it will play out in a relationship… 

~~~

If I had a gazilion dollars/win the lottery, I’d use the money to…

- invest in property/land

- get a team who will help develop my media related ideas and sell my shows to BBC, channel 4, itv

- create low income, maintained housing for the severely poor and marginalised in my society

- team up with engineers to create better garbage carts and redesign the bajaj

- invest in waste management appropriate technology ideas

- equip tukang sayur people with vans or something of that sort

- buy my way into oxbridge/LSE for LLB, and stanford and MIT business school and chicago/columbia/michigan/harvard JD xP

- buy all the books in my wish list

- laser all the hair out of my body

- tell myself i should be confident, not afraid to get out in the world, not let myself held back by severe bouts of anxiety/depression/doubt

- get an ice skating coach so I can learn ice-hockey

- tell my parents I am going to live my own life

- be free from my smothering society.. be freeee

- somehow get myself to be a programming champion and sight singing champion and forensic accounting champion  lololol. 

- rid myself of any traces of existentialism. life would be swell

- ensure that i have a system to have one night stand with reasonably attractive somewhat intelligent, good in bed, SAFE men

-be allowed to attend holywood award shows. maybe get to sit next to dustin hoffman and jack nicholson. 

- find a way to get deniro to talk to me hahahahahahhaaa. 

- ask robert downey jr if i can see his dad’s old scripts

- ask leading university professors  in fields of my interest if i can assist them with research and hang out with them

- ask judges and law clerks if i can shadow them (will pay). 

- buy a boat/yacht

- roadtrip wherever i want with bodyguards

- get access to and pay ex army sniper/fbi officers for shooting lessons

- get the best self defence and personal training lessons because i am hopeless (not flexible and supposedly have a dense body mass)

- make sure i have the best phone engineers in my contact list. 

so i remember

and on that note, an angel cut out too

& 

maybe the finder poster

I also want to do some sort of volunteer work someday soon

Imma start dropping people who used to be in my life

and go to church.

make the church my second home. I don’t have to agree with how the talk, i don’t have to revel in all their processions, but I think it’s somewhere i can learn to find peace and somehow be accepted without even trying

also, God doesn’t ask for anything in return.

Except for me to do my best

Maybe I can even squeeze a confession or something. Who the hell knows.

I also love hymns and the inside of churches are always pretty

the earlier I get used to this feeling, the better

soon, I’d know how to ignore it.

Or even better, thrive on it.

I’m only 21. Emotions, the human brain, etc are like muscles.

I might as well live like everybody around me is dead.

I might just be really proactive that way. 

Let’s see how all of this will go

don’t show me pictures of who we used to be

as far as i’m concerned, you’re all dead to me

defy these chains

or melt into them

It’s been..

what, close to a year?

My have things changed drastically

:welcomes myself back: